Friday, September 29, 2006

I had a near death experience the other night. Actually the more I think about it, it was more like a near murder experience. Naomi, almost went ballistic the other night…man I almost feel bad for chuckling.

Let me set the stage for you and give you some context. About three years ago Naomi found the second greatest love of her life. Her first greatest love is Jesus Christ. Her second greatest love is a 35 pound mutt that she calls “her little angel from Jesus”. Flurry is this wonder dog’s name. You’ll never meet a more spoiled dog in your life. Does Flurry sit? Well, she knows how to sit but doesn’t…and I can tell the dog makes a volitional choice as to when she’ll obey and sit and when she won’t, it usually has to do with how close momma is. When momma is around Flurry doesn’t feel motivated to sit when I command her to. And why should she? Naomi never makes the dog sit in order to receive a treat! Heck no! That dog doesn’t even have to get up out of my chair to get her treats! Oh no, Naomi walks the treats to the dog and hand feeds them to her. Why is this? When I used to ask her (I’ve since given up) she’d say, “hun, she looks so comfortable there…” Under my breath I’d say, “yeah, in my chair!”

Well, Naomi’s “little angel from Jesus” turned out to be a harlot and got herself pregnant. Well, ok, we should have gotten her fixed. We just didn’t cause she’s never outside for long, or so we thought. Anyway, Flurry got real popular around here in just a few days and then she got pregnant. (Naomi says that Flurry rededicated her life to the Lord shortly thereafter). So Flurry had her puppies a year ago and for reasons that I can not understand myself, I agreed to keep two of the puppies. They were cute. They were red and do have gorgeous eyes…they were cute pups. The problem is that they grew up and are dogs now. These two dogs are about half stupid. They have made me appreciate Flurry a bit more. There are two redeeming qualities to Flurry. 1. She has an iron bladder. She was beat every time she had an accident…angels from Jesus don’t like such treatment so she learned reasonably quick to not do that. Now, that dog could hold it in this house, I’m not kidding, for at least 32 hours. She’s never had to; I’m just saying that I know she could. 2. Flurry stays in our yard without being tied up. Again, beatings worked wonderfully with her. The other two seem to have a higher tolerance for butt beatings I guess.

Ok, now you have the setting. We have two dogs and one “angel from Jesus”. Well, the other night it was raining and starting to storm. It was about 9:30pm and I like to let the dogs and the angel out one last time before bed. So I tie the two dogs up and let the angel run out into the yard to take care of business. I let Flurry back in and then I sat back down and worked at my desk for about 15 minutes to give the other two champion idiots time to figure out why they are tied up outside in the rain. Lightening started to flash and the champion idiots started to bark. I jumped up and ran outside…apparently Flurry followed me. It was raining pretty hard and it was dark. Flurry is dark. The two idiots were going crazy and I was getting wet. I grabbed the two dogs and ran them in. I guess I sorta didn’t realize that Naomi’s little angel from Jesus was outside. I put the two dogs upstairs with us, Flurry usually sleeps downstairs so not seeing her upstairs was not unusual.

Then Naomi and I went to bed. Flurry is outside, in a STORM and we don’t know it. You people from around Wadsworth know how loud that storm was the other night, it was really loud with lots of lightening. So around mid night I hear barking outside and it was Flurry. I know her bark. So, being the wonderful man I am I shake Naomi and say, “Naomi, your dog is outside…” She went from being in a dead sleep to sitting straight up with a “WHAT?” I cleared my voice and said, “your dog is outside…”

“Go get her then!” she said. My response still shocks me to this day, I must get real “real” when I’ve been sleeping for only an hour and a half. I mumbled, “no, she’s your dog and I don’t care if she’s out there all night”. God knows this is true, it did not dawn on me at this point that I was the reason the dog was out there. I was honestly half asleep and not thinking of the “how” her little angel got outside. All I knew was that I did not care. LOL!

Oh man, thank God I don’t own a gun! I’m serious, Naomi would have shot me dead right there! Here her little angel from Jesus had been outside in a tremendous storm for two hours! Seriously, that storm did nothing but intensify as the night went on…there was no relief the entire time Flurry was in it. Then I refuse to get out of bed to save her dog…so she had to! She flew down stairs and out the door. I guess (I don’t know cause I wasn’t there, lol) Flurry was hard to find cause she was all scared. So Naomi was walking around in the storm looking and calling for Flurry! Again, in my half conscious mind I didn’t think that would happen, I honestly would not have made Naomi do that. I just thought that all Naomi was going to have to do was open the door and call for her dog and Flurry would run in. That didn’t happen!

So Naomi saved her angel from Jesus. She dried her all off and gave her all kinds of love. I’m surprised that Naomi didn’t wrap the mutt up in a blanket and make the dog hot cocoa. By the time Naomi came back to bed she was pretty mad. “I can’t believe you almost let our baby die out there like that…you are an awful dad to Flurry…” Oh, she was mad. I let her rant and the whole time she did I did my very best to keep her from knowing I was chuckling into the pillow!

9 comments:

Anonymous said...

Gary,

YOU are the MAN!!! YES! That showed who wears the pants in your family right! By the way how is the
couch these days???? My wife also has a "gift dog from above." I think the dog really came from the other direction. Anyway. Who feeds it? walks it? cleans up after it? Who installed an invisible fence for the "little angel?" BUt who doesn't want to use it because
it will shock the little angel? Any way like a real man I claim I walk the dog for exercise at night. And mostly the wife believes me.

Charles said...

Well, I really thought your "near death" experience was hilarious. You probably should have been beaten by Naomi. But, Bobbie did not think it was that funny. She sympathized with Naomi and said she might have to be restrained from hitting you herself when she sees you next time. I will do my best to hold her back. Her comment was "pets are really special". Whatever that means!

I just wondered what the neighbors thought about Naomi roaming around in the night calling her angel.

crystal said...

That story is just hilarious. One time our dog ran away (beating didn't work) for the hundredth time and I decided to let it run away and let the dog catchers get it. I thought my runaway problem was solved, but a few minutes later a very kind lady brought Duke back to our house. Is it bad to say I was secretly disappointed? Now that we CAN'T have him I miss him terribly.

Paul said...

Dude, that is a seriously funny story.

truelife said...

I'm guessing that Naomi might not subscribe to your blog...or else you might have another near death experience.

bigleanerongod said...

Was trying to remember my user name and password and somehow ending up logging in and leaving a comment under something else.

TruthOfActs said...

Gary,
The title of this story should be 'justice at last.'
Rex Ray

SonyaD said...

Gary,
I so feel for your wife since we had to put "my baby" down a few days ago. My springer spaniel had prostrate cancer.
Wait until you've been married about 20 years, you will be pushed out of the bed and out of the door to hunt the dog down. :>)

Wayne Smith In His Name said...

FOX,

I'm afraid you are a marked man and never will live this down. I sure enjoyed this dog story and Thanks for sharing the lighter side, You might want to place the 2 pups on EBAY and tell about the Royal Bloodline of their mommy. I wouldn't tell anything about the father.

In His Name