Saturday, September 23, 2006

Disclaimer: The following was therapeutic for me to write and is intended initially for my friends and family to get a clue as to what is going on in my head. It might be helpful to you even if you don’t know me well…I just hope you don’t think I’m being narcissistic because the topic is ME!

I’ve been thinking a lot about life. This is nothing new; every person gets to this point. I’m not even 30 so for some of you this might sound premature, it probably is. But I just can not believe that I’m going to be 29 here soon. I honestly think that I could walk into Wadsworth High School and fit right in and go back to school. I don’t feel this old at all. I can’t believe I’m married, buying a house and that I own a car and am buying a Jeep. I can’t believe that I’ve been preaching for almost 10 years. I can’t believe that God has used me to transition a church to a certain cross road in its history and after that He has used me to plant a real church in my home town. Now I’m praying about working in a new church plant, somewhere, on Sunday mornings and still preach/teach on Sunday nights and be an elder at Southside. Two churches at once? Gary? I feel like the only thing that I don’t have to prove that I’m a man is kids. But my brother and his wife just had a baby so now my dad and mom are grandparents…which is a very weird to thing. I’m already getting this feeling that life is moving too quickly and it is very unsettling sometimes. I’m transitioning from thinking about what “I’ll be” to what “I am”.

At times I experience what I guess could best be called panic attacks…I freak out, especially at night before I fall asleep. I feel like I’m running out of time to do what I’m called by God to do. I just can’t shake this constant urgency to live and be…to be in God’s will. It’s very hard to explain but I just can not shake this constant feeling that God is all over me, calling me to advance His Kingdom. It’s all I think about. He’s either called me to do something for Him or I need to admit myself into a mental health facility because this has consumed me…even when I ran from it I could not escape it. When I stopped, turned around and embraced it 11 years ago it absolutely consumed me. This feeling consumes me more now then ever. I cringe at the thought of living an average life. I can not stand thought that I lived and did nothing crazy, nothing significant, nothing dangerous or adventurous or did nothing noteworthy for God. "God help me always serve you on the cutting edge, may I never take confidence in the flesh or in my own understanding. May I walk by faith and have no fear of danger...for you are with me."

Then it hit me. I have not ever really prayed and asked God to define for me what He is calling me to do. I’m drawn to theology and missions. I eat and drink them both. I am sure that, Lord willing, so long as I have breath in my lungs I will be wrestling with theology and will be actively involved in planting churches (aka missions). I am such a fanatic that I honestly think that there is something drastically wrong with your spirituality if these two things are honestly not 1 and 2 in your spiritual life. Theology-missions, theology-missions, theology-missions...keeping in mind the mission field starts in your home, with your spouse and then your kids...but none the less...theology-missions, theology-missions, theology-missions...

But theology and missions are both very broad arena’s…I’ve been praying that God would define for me where I fit into them. Here is, Lord willing, what I believe He wants me to strive for in my life: To die a worn out, totally exhausted, battle weary yet a wise, peaceful, missional and God fearing old man.

What kind of husband would this make me? What kind of father would I be if this was true of me?

If my kids or grandkids can truthfully put this on my tombstone then I lived the life God has called me to live.

Acts 13:36 “For when David had served God’s purpose in his own generation, he fell asleep;

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